New Games Workshop Airbrush Range: Satire

Today, we saw our first preview of the new Games Workshop airbrush range. Needless to say, the community isn't too pleased about it....

I have a theory, that if Games Workshop actually did a release statement, covering the history of their paint range, it might go a little something like this:

"The community recognises that Games Workshop has an established history within the hobby, stretching back over thirty years. People have come to know and love our paints over the years, however we have from time to time had to revise our products. We found that our flip-lids from the early days just kept paint too long, in fact some bottles from decades ago are still wet inside. This simply could not do, so we came out with a smaller bottle with a screw top, which maximised out paint profits. The paint pots came with a screw top which often sealed shut tighter than an Egyptian tomb, which stopped people getting their paint out without having to tear the lid apart first.

It was a massive success, however, some of the time, the lids would open, so we had to can that idea too, and we moved onto a flat flip lid. Finally, a product that was almost guaranteed to dry out, and even better, we were able to remove the split pricing for our metallic paints (which used to cost more than the standard acrylic range) by streamlining all prices by jacking all paints up in cost.

Over time however, it became apparent that sometimes, our paints were still staying wet, and were still too good. Thus, the difficult decision was made to rebottle our entire range, and within a short time frame, to rebrand our entire range and create a new paint formula. Finally, we had hit upon the right solution:

-paints which separated inside the bottles, into a viscous watery goo and a rubbery collection of pigment, which no matter how hard you stir or shake it never quite works,
-the caps would clog and allow the paint to dry, ruining perfectly good paint in a couple of months,
-a range of washes that are far less effective than our previous inks, which also separate during drying leaving a milk residue on top of the model you lovingly painted all week;
-very little paint for your money.

It hasn't all been a success, as we discovered to our shock here at Games Workshop, that there are other companies who make paints. This came not long after the discovery that other companies also produce miniatures. Often these paints were designed for use with airbrushes, a market we had yet to corner. With this in mind, the decision was made to produce our own paint range for airbrushes, utilising the same terrible technology that makes our paints so effective that most painters use brands like Vallejo, Badger, Army Painter, Tamiya etc.

We believe that bringing our smaller, more expensive, less effective flip-top paints into a market saturated by high-quality dropper bottle paints is the best move for Games Workshop, a company which prides itself on delivering high-quality products to the consumer, at a reasonable 50% mark up over our competition.

Kind Regards,

Billy,

The work experience kid."

What might the new airbrush range look like? What might it cost?

But don't worry, these prices are for Australia and New Zealand, for those in the United States, this will be about $50.

Just remember, this is all satire, a look at how an out of touch company seems to look down on us. If their airbrush range is priced anything like the Age of Sigmar metallic range, I hope their company HQ is struck by an earthquake, because since they won't listen to what the hobbyists want, maybe an act of god will help them along?

~Macca